Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Monster Employees

In the spirit of Halloween, I thought I'd post my thoughts of the different types of employees around the office:

Ghosts - This is what most of my employees are like. They are insubstantial and disappear at the first sign of work. If you set up cameras, there's never any direct evidence that they are around. When they're unwanted, they hang around while moaning and being a general pain in the ass.

Vampires - These employees are never around during the day. They are pale and sickly looking, yet have this air of entitlement. They seem to only come out when it's time to feed or when they need to suck up a paycheck.

Werewolves - They seem normal at first, but once a month on a full moon, they go postal. They wreak havoc on everything, and are generally not worth the trouble of having as an employee. Due to their monthly hissy fits, they're just as bad employees as most women.

Banshees - These employees don't accomplish anything other than make noise. They like to think they're doing so much by the amount of noise they're making, but the reality is that they aren't doing jack-squat. In fact, they just irritate the hell out of me with their incessant whining.

Headless Horseman - Another common employee in the office. These employees are so incompetent, it's like they don't even have a head on their shoulders. I suspect, that they are just walking around with a hollow gourd attached to their necks.

Witches - Needs no explanation. It's why I don't like to hire women.

Mummies - They're always bandaged and limping around like they're injured. It's an act. They're faking injury to get out of doing work, and are intentionally dragging their feet to draw out projects as long as possible. Unlike actual mummies, they only think that they are royalty and are entitled to benefits.

Zombies - Mindless, and brain-eating. That describes half of my workforce. Not only is there nothing going on between the ears, they have to suck the little brains from other too.

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Joseph M. Scandura, incompetent moron, idiot, pompous, stupid, failure, asshole, arrogant, bullshit, micromanager of the year, technologically clueless, ignorant, condescending, senile, dementia