Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Slacking Profesoras

As a former professor, I know how much work being in academia is. I worked my ass off to become tenured. I managed to raise my kids, form a highly successful software company, and be a top researcher in my field. When I read this article about the supposed plight of female professors, I was incensed. Please, spare me the sob story. If a woman feels that having children and professorial duties conflict, then she should obviously not have children. She just can't hack it as a normal working adult.

It just goes to show that hiring a woman for any important position is a dicey proposition. The maternity leave and child care hassles make a woman more of a liability than an asset. Don't believe me? Take a look at Germany. You know why you don't see many female doctors in Germany? Because of the entirely too long maternity leave that companies are required to give mothers. Why would anyone take on a woman for a job if she could have a baby and be out of the workforce (but still on the payroll) for a year? No fiscally responsible organization would. Universities need to re-examine whether it makes sense to hire women professors when the possibility of children could drastically reduce their ability to perform their job.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

I am the 1%

With all this silliness in the news with "occupy" movements and ridiculous "we are the 99%" signs, I felt I just had to say something. I am the 1%. I'm proud to be in the upper echelons. If you are in the bottom 99%, it's no fault of mine. You are too lazy to work hard, stupidly bought more than you could afford, got a worthless education, and have no employable skills. Suck it up and deal with it.

Admitting that you're in the lowest 99th percentile is nothing to be proud of. You are just advertising to the world how pathetic you are.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Boss pump up

How do I get pumped for a day of hard bossin'? With some kickin' tunes, mofo!

"I'm the biggest boss that ya seen thus far"

"cuz it's just another day in the life of a goddamn boss!"

Saturday, October 15, 2011

An argument against maternity leave

As you all know, maternity leave is a huge drain on a company. When an employee takes unnecessary time off, it hurts the company and royally pisses off the boss. I've always thought maternity leave was an unnecessary burden to place on a company. That's why I tend to avoid hiring women, since I can never know when they are going to stop working to fulfill a silly biological impulse.

Women these days have it far too easy with maternity leave. I say we should abolish the wasteful practice. Case in point: a pregnant woman runs a marathon and gives birth the same day. If a pregnant woman can run a marathon and give birth the same day, pregnant women can keep coming into work until their delivery. After a day or two, they should be back to work. If a woman can run a marathon and then give birth in a few hours, there's no reason she can't be back to work in a couple of days.

Monster Boss

Last year, I posted about monster employees that I encounter. In the spirit of Halloween, I thought I would post a similar list for bosses. These are the types of bosses the aspiring PHB can model himself after.

The Mummy - Older than the hills, slow moving, and totally behind the times. This boss type groans all the time while plodding around chasing employees. He still thinks the stuff accumulated in his tomb is still usable.

The Vampire - Has a minor title and an inflated idea of his grandeur. He can't thrive on his own; that's why he has to fly around trying to suck the blood out of others.

The Zombie - Completely brainless. He must constantly seek fresh prey to consume their brains.

The Ghost - Insubstantial has been. Can't do anything effective, except haunt his employees.

The Banshee - Loves the sound of his own voice and loves screaming at his employees.

The Wraith - An evil spirit who just drains the life out of his employees.

The Grim Reaper - Working for this boss is the kiss of death. Your career can do nothing but nosedive straight to hell working for this boss.

The Devil - Evil incarnate himself. The devil boss promises a lot, but his primary interest is in taking your soul.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Steve Jobs, PHB extraordinaire

Pointy-haired bosses get a bad rap from those who are jealous of success. Case in point: Steve Jobs. He's widely regarded as an incredibly successful CEO and effective leader. Under his tenure, Apple has taken off. Has he done that by being a nice guy who coddles his underlings? Hell no! He takes the reins and micromanages. He acts like a royal asshole to get people's lazy asses in gear. What's the result of his actions? He gets credit for bringing immensely successful products to market and for leading his company through a huge boom. He's an effective leader.

I strive to model myself after Jobs. I micromanage my employees, take credit for their work, and generally make myself a total dickwad of a boss. My employees can bitch and complain all they want. If they can't deal with the work, they can go take a non-existent job with the pansy boss at Failures R Us.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Repeal Article 8: No right to family life

For those of you who keep up with international news, you may have heard the brouhaha over Article 8 in the UK. In essence, criminal foreign nationals cannot be deported if they have family ties in England, since Article 8 states that they have a fundamental right to a family life. Personally, I applaud home secretary Theresa May for standing up for sanity and clamoring to remove the ridiculous loophole of Article 8. In her own words, "the right to a family life is not an absolute right, and it must not be used to drive a coach and horses through our immigration system."

I would take that statement just one step further. There is no fundamental right to family life, period. If I hear employees make up excuses about needing to spend time with their family, it makes me mad. That is not a valid excuse to not do your goddamn job. If I want an employee to finish the work I've assigned them, they should be grateful for the opportunity to get something done. If they need to see their family, they can feel welcome to bring their family into work with them. This idea of a right to a private family life is ridiculous. What we should be focusing on is a right to remove people to are counterproductive, without this whole issue of family life bogging down the system.

Joseph M. Scandura, incompetent moron, idiot, pompous, stupid, failure, asshole, arrogant, bullshit, micromanager of the year, technologically clueless, ignorant, condescending, senile, dementia