Thursday, December 30, 2010
Friday, December 24, 2010
12 new assigments
11 dinner phone calls
10 urgent e-mails
9 unpaid overtimes
8 broken programs
7 pointless code jobs
6 throbbing migraines
5 more meetings
4 skype voices calls
3 new web tasks
2 crashing servers
and a major pain in the ass!
Have a Happy Holiday. I'll be calling after Christmas dinner since I need something fixed immediately.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Who am I to argue with the greatest basketball player of all time? I look out for numero uno first, and it's helped me succeed. The boss succeeds from taking, not giving.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
After wading through the obscure scientific jargon, I managed to find this little gem of research. Electric brain stimulation improves people's math skills. I always thought there was something to electric shock therapy. One of my favorite ways of training specific behaviors is high voltage. Now it turns out that the very same electric training also improves brain function. Wonderful! Just tell me where to place the electrodes to make my workers more productive and competent.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Fortunately, scientists are good for something other than wasting money on crazy projects. They have discovered a liberal gene. We just need to develop the gene therapy and make treatments mandatory. Wouldn't it be fabulous to have a shot cure us of our left-wing woes?
Friday, November 26, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
- Can I got to lunch now?
You can go to lunch when you're goddamn done with your work.
- When can I get a raise?
Jesus effin' Christ! You don't even come close to working enough to earn your current salary.
- Where's the break room?
Break room?!? You think we have a break room? You already don't work. Why the hell do you need another room to not work in?
- Can I go home yet?
- When did you want that done?
Yesterday, you moron!
- Can I get some help on ...?
Why the hell do you think I hired you? You're paid to do my work for me. Do your effin' job, and quit trying to pass the buck.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Keeping employees around to remember things for you is par for the course. But what separates the elite PHB from the wannabe is the extra steps. You can't keep fat-ass employees around. They'll be just as forgetful as you. Work your employees long hours through mealtimes to keep them thin. If they're too busy working to eat, they'll never even have an opportunity to be an obese lard ass. It's a double win: you get extra work out of your employees and you keep their memories sharp for your benefit.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
The saying is equally applicable as a workplace lesson as well as a life adage. If you make work too nice and easy for your employees, they go all soft and don't become strong, resilient employees. There has to be a constant challenge of workload, work hours, incongruous tasks, and untenable schedules. Life throws hard curveballs, so there's no reason work shouldn't either. I pile on as much work and difficult work as I can on to all my employees (while paying them as little as possible). Posing this challenge makes them stronger and better able to handle future tasks that come their way. I look at it as my benevolent way of training them.
Besides, if they can't hack it, you weed them out. You didn't need the weak-ass pansies anyhow.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
I get a kick out of watching the video. If that stupid girl had been using her head, she would have been at work earning her paycheck instead of wasting time at political rallies.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Ghosts - This is what most of my employees are like. They are insubstantial and disappear at the first sign of work. If you set up cameras, there's never any direct evidence that they are around. When they're unwanted, they hang around while moaning and being a general pain in the ass.
Vampires - These employees are never around during the day. They are pale and sickly looking, yet have this air of entitlement. They seem to only come out when it's time to feed or when they need to suck up a paycheck.
Werewolves - They seem normal at first, but once a month on a full moon, they go postal. They wreak havoc on everything, and are generally not worth the trouble of having as an employee. Due to their monthly hissy fits, they're just as bad employees as most women.
Banshees - These employees don't accomplish anything other than make noise. They like to think they're doing so much by the amount of noise they're making, but the reality is that they aren't doing jack-squat. In fact, they just irritate the hell out of me with their incessant whining.
Headless Horseman - Another common employee in the office. These employees are so incompetent, it's like they don't even have a head on their shoulders. I suspect, that they are just walking around with a hollow gourd attached to their necks.
Witches - Needs no explanation. It's why I don't like to hire women.
Mummies - They're always bandaged and limping around like they're injured. It's an act. They're faking injury to get out of doing work, and are intentionally dragging their feet to draw out projects as long as possible. Unlike actual mummies, they only think that they are royalty and are entitled to benefits.
Zombies - Mindless, and brain-eating. That describes half of my workforce. Not only is there nothing going on between the ears, they have to suck the little brains from other too.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
It's also an argument for never promoting anyone in your company. There's a reason for nepotism. Just appoint people you like as figureheads to the higher paying positions (but not too high paying, mind you. That would eat into your paycheck). If you promoted from the lower rank grunts, they'll more than likely be incompetent anyway. You could even promote randomly for improved efficiency. If you start with an assumption of incompetence, you'll be far better off in managing your company.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Believe me when I say that delaying having children (or better yet, not having them at all) is better all around for the company. Employees are less distracted by parental obligations, and they are far less likely to get depressed without children.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
I'm normally not a fan of film since it's a time waster. But I found this animation to be heart-warming. The way the boss is constantly phoning the employee, working her through overtime hours, demanding immediate action on numerous tasks, and even stopping her from jumping off a building so she can finish more work. It's a beautiful illustration of how to crush your employees spirit so you can maximize the amount of work you get out of your workers. I know it's an idealized film, but I (and all pointy haired bosses) should aspire to be as slave-driving.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
"Psychologists have discovered that self-control is an exhaustible resource. And I don’t mean self-control only in the sense of turning down cookies or alcohol, I mean a broader sense of self-supervision—any time you’re paying close attention to your actions..."
This is an argument for the hierarchical boss-employee organization. Self control is a limited resource. Once the employees' self-control is exhausted (which doesn't take long, believe me), the boss needs to exert his control over the underling worker. Sometimes you get an ornery employee who insists on controlling his own actions. That's when you resort to your PHB bag o' tricks. Just wear the troublesome employee down until they are exhausted into submission. Remove their self control via exhaustion, and you then have control.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
I make it a point to make sure that my employees are parallel processing so that I can get the maximum amount of work out of them. For example, I'll tell an employee to work on debugging some code while they write a TPS report. Modern computers are powerful enough that multiple applications can be running at the same time. There's no reason why my employees can't be doing tasks in parallel.
Another good example of parallel processing is having my team of developers simultaneously log into a central computer to work on our latest software project. I can oversee everyone on the same computer as design, coding, graphics, and web development are done concurrently on the same system. The parallel processing improves efficiency so we get more work done. It's a technical advantage in our company processes that gives us an advantage over our competition.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
The solution to maximizing worker productivity lies not in rewarding your employees. The responsible boss should be actively seeking to pay as little as possible in salary to minimize the incentive dumbing down effect. Motivation must come in a different form: tight deadlines, unreasonable demands, sharp criticisms, etc. If the carrot is such an ineffective tool, we must turn to the stick. Beat your employees down to mold them into efficient company machines.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
I wish I had hire more beavers to work at the company instead of recalcitrant asses. My employees just plain suck at their jobs and don't put out nearly enough. I'd like nothing more than to bend them over and give them a severe beating. If there weren't labor laws, I wouldn't be wasting company seed money on those worthless bums. Next hiring round, I'll be on the lookout for good beavers.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
What does this tell us? Well, from the PHB point of view, it tells us that it makes no sense to develop a cooperative work environment because your employees will behave non-cooperatively anyhow. If you don't screw over your employees, they will inevitably screw you over. It's a dog eat dog world out there. Screw or be screwed.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
To be a successful pointy haired boss, you have to be willing to step on people, use your employees, and plain piss people off. It's just par for the course to be an effective leader.
The first thing you have to realize to be a successful pointy haired boss is that your employees don't have to like you. If you're trying to be on friendly terms with all your employees, you're not being an effective boss. You're letting your employees control your actions, which is not the way the boss-employee relationship is supposed to work. As boss, you have to call the shots. You employees are probably not going to like most of your decisions because it means they have to work. If your employees actively dislike you, it's a sign that you're being effective at getting their lazy butts into gear to get things done.
"Trying to get everyone to like you is a sign of mediocrity." -- Colin Powell
Remember that as a boss, you are a leader and leading from the front. The losers watching you from behind are jealous and will try to drag you down. Negativity is to be expected. You have to have supreme confidence that what you're doing is right in order to effectively boss your employees around. If they have negative feelings towards you, so be it. There's a reason that they are just worker grunts and you're the head honcho.
"If you are really effective at what you do, 95% of the things said about you will be negative." -- Scott Boras
Saturday, July 31, 2010
But maybe a change of pace is a necessary evil every so often. I propose an alternative solution that's more palatable to me: a working stay-cation. I'll kindly let the employee work from home for their break. With modern tech, telecommuting is now completely feasible. The worker can just telecommute into work during the vacation. The employee gets some time away from the workplace, and the company doesn't have to pay for non-productive employee time. It's a win-win situation!
Saturday, July 24, 2010
- Caffeine. The drug of choice for battling off droopy eyelids. Coffee, tea, soda, Red Bull, etc. They all keep your workers wired and working longer.
- Regular hours. Schedule regular work hours. A routine helps with reducing the amount of necessary sleep. Start the workday around 7 a.m. or so, and end it around 8-9 p.m. Keep this schedule strict.
- Uncomfortable bed. If your beds are too comfortable, there's the temptation to stay in them. Remove the comforts, and less sleep is necessary. I make it company-wide policy to suggest lumpy mattresses, removing pillows, no comforters, and no climate controlled temperatures. That way, the workers will want to get out of bed as soon as possible.
- Supervision. Nothing wakes up employees faster than the boss looming. I check up on my employees as often as possible (at least 3 times and hour is ideal) to make sure they're making progress and jolt them out of their slumber.
- Company sleep quarters. If workers never have to leave company grounds, they can spend more time working. Let peer pressure reduce the amount of sleep and maximize the amount of work.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
You can also use your credit card concierge services to full advantage. Similar to a hotel concierge, you can assign your complimentary credit card concierge your random tasks and get them done completely free! I've been trying to find a concierge that does computer programming, flash, or educational lesson design. I know I'll hit jackpot one of these days when I nail a newly graduated comp sci student or education student. With the economy as poor as it is, I'm sure not all of the new graduates are going to be getting jobs in their field.
Friday, July 16, 2010
In the case of larger software companies, like Microsoft, they even have remote login capabilities to support their customers. You can get an engineer who will remotely log into your system to troubleshoot. While you have them logged in, you just have them take a look at your code and a few extra things. I've been able to have support personnel and engineers working for me for hours on end using this little trick. It works brilliantly for getting free work done.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
The first is using a lengthy unpaid training period. I actually assign a real work project during this "training period." During this ostensible training period, I'm effectively getting free labor out of the new hire. I even make completion of the training period (i.e. finishing the assigned project) a requirement for beginning paid work. It's a great way to both screen for employees that have any hope of working with me and getting work done for the company for free.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
This sort of outside-the-box thinking rings with me. I take a different approach to developing my software products. I have my programmers develop all of our code in a proprietary language I invented. Conforming to industry standard programming languages was too constraining a box, so I stepped outside of it and made my own programming language that works for me. Rather than hire expensive degreed domestic programmers, I outsource all of our development to temporary foreign workers who do all the development work by remotely logging into our company servers. In this way, I can watch all the developers working on a common server and control everything from one central command console. I also save on equipment costs since I don't have to provide workstations for all the developers. That cost savings has been a real boon for me. Outsourcing the development work to many different foreign workers also serves to decentralize the knowledge and work. Since I've spread out the work between a number of different developers, company knowledge and experience is distributed among numerous developers so that there is no single point of failure.
Outside the box thinking is what makes my companies so agile and successful. I can't get my workers to throw together in 48 hours, though I often try to light the fire by setting regular deadlines. But I do other things to ensure that my diffuse company keeps moving forward.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
But I am an open-minded, equal opportunist. Businesses do need to eventually realize that the gender disparity in salary is problematic. There's no reason the male employees should be earning more than the female employees. Coming from my years of experience running a tight ship at my own company, I can tell you that this is a prime opportunity for companies to use the rise of women in the workforce to their advantage. Women are providing competition for the men. We can use that as a way to drive the male salaries down and reduce the company overhead costs.
Friday, June 25, 2010
If you look at the number of vacation days broken down by country, you can see why I make it a point never to hire Europeans. They expect a month of vacation time. I can't afford to have my employees taking that much time off. It's no wonder they get nothing done across the pond. If they're constantly off frolicking on vacation, how are they being productive and getting things done? On the other hand, the Japanese don't usually use only about half of their vacation days. Better than the lazy Americans. I'd hire more Japanese workers if those silly Asians would just learn to speak better English.
According to a recent survey, 34 percent of Americans do not use all their vacation days. For a country proud of its Protestant work ethic, this figure is appalling. That means that 66 percent are taking more time off than everyone else. And what is it with employed workers taking vacation days? Those are days of no work and productivity, which is a royal waste if you ask me.
Monday, June 21, 2010
It turns out the chimpanzees are also good at using complex tools. I can't even get my employees to figure out how to use their computers. I mean, I'm paying them for their supposed expertise at software, and they can't even fix my printer, get my e-mail working, or get my company software projects up and running. Maybe I should send them back to visit their chimp ancestors and take some lessons on how to use tools to get stuff done.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
1. Have you ever publicly criticized an employee?
2. Do you take credit for your employees’ work?
3. Do your employees fear you?
4. Do you expect employees to do what you tell them without question?
5. Do you believe employees should know what to do without you telling them or providing guidelines?
6. Are you a yeller?
7. Do you demean employees as a form of punishment?
8. Do you play favorites?
9. Do you hate delegating?
10. Do you check everyone’s work?
Done with the quiz? Excellent. Here are my answers for comparison:
1. Of course. Public ridicule is a highly effective method of shaming employees into performing. I didn't study pyschology for nothing.
2. Why wouldn't I take credit? I'm paying them to do the work, so the work belongs to me! What a silly questions. Next!
3. If they don't, then they should. I'll have to ramp up my screaming boss routine to make sure.
4. Duh! That's what they're paid to do. I'm the boss because I'm supposed to give orders to the underlings. They are underlings because they're not smart enough to be boss. Asking questions just pisses me off and wastes time.
5. Yes. If they don't know what they are doing already, then they are incompetent. They should be fired ASAP.
6. HELL YES! I HAVE TROUBLE HEARING MYSELF, SO I MAKE SURE TO SPEAK UP AND MAKE SURE I CAN HEAR MYSELF AND THAT EVERYONE ELSE CAN HEAR ME. THAT WAY I CAN BE SURE EVERYONE HEARD MY INSTRUCTIONS.
7. See answer #1. I've learned from my psychology training that negative reinforcement can be an incredibly powerful tool for getting employees into action.
8. Finally, my "no" answer. I can't possibly play favorites when all of my employees are equally incompetent.
9. Absolutely not. I'm the boss. It's natural for me to delegate all the work.
10. Always! Like I mentioned above, all of my employees are #$%#% incompetent. I have to check to make sure that they did their assigned task exactly as instructed. Besides, if I didn't check, they would most likely just blow off the task. It's critical to check up on everyone's work several times throughout the day.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
"God helps those who help themselves."As a devout Catholic boy, I believe those are words to live by. As boss, it's my responsibility to help myself. My employees are there to help me, and I am obligated to take full advantage of them. It says so in the Bible. My underlings are under my management because it is the natural order. They're too lazy to be anything except low level employees. As boss, I was the one who worked my way to the top and thus deserve to give orders to those who can't help themselves.
Friday, May 21, 2010
In my decades of running successful companies, I've used my psychology training to implement a "good boss, bad boss" style of management. You always want to extract the maximum amount of work from your inherently lazy employees, so you want to crack the whip most of the time. But don't crack the whip all the time. Even the smart slave driver needs to know when to back off so as not to take the slave out of commission. Every so often, pretend to be pleasant. Give your grunt workers a brief glimpse of light before bringing down the hammer. Back off just before crushing morale and spirits (good boss), but keep rapping their knuckles to get work done (bad boss). It's the fine balance between keeping your workers from becoming too uppity and not completely crushing them. When you find that balance, you can maximize the productivity you get from them.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Even so, I'm curious as to what solutions will be presented. I can monitor company e-mail and company phones to prevent employees from wasting time and misusing company resources. But they still have those wretched cell phones. If I can just jam them, I could prevent those personal calls from interfering with the productivity. Maybe then I could get them to do some actual work.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
The mythical 8-hour day is just that: a myth. Most workers come nowhere close to working that many hours. Consider that there is an hour lunch break. Why you have to eat on company time and get paid for it is beyond me. Then, employees typically waste time with trips to the bathroom, water cooler, chatting with other employees, etc. That just takes away even more work time. If you're not keeping a vigilant eye on your workers, they could be doing as little as 2 hours of actual work a day, but you're still paying them for 8! That's just outrageous.
It's imperative for the PHB to keep his workers actually working and coming close to earning their pay. The best way to do this is to keep close tabs on what everyone is doing. If you can swing it, cut out the lunch break. Your workers can eat on their own time, before and after work. Finally, since you can't actually squeeze 8 hours of work in the allotted time, find ways to extend the workday as long as possible. If you can keep everyone in the office for 12 (better yet 16) hours a day, you might get your full 8 hours worth out of them.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
This is the only way I hire. Contract workers don't have the same rights as regular employees. You can pay them on an irregular schedule and start playing with their billable hours when it does come time to pay. And the decreased paperwork from not having to deal with any of the tax crap is great. They have to take care of all that nonsense. The only thing that could possibly be better is free interns working for you.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
This is one important thing to keep in mind when hiring. You want workers who will be able to put in a lot of time and work hard to earn your company money. If you find out that a potential employee plans on having children in the near future (particularly for potential female hires), you may want to consider moving on to the next candidate.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
This is the reason why companies need to hire either foreigners or single (unmarried) workers. Workers who are single don't have a home life to worry about, so they can devote themselves to working and advancing your company. Foreign workers tend to be willing to sacrifice most things--family included--to get ahead. I particularly like hiring the foreigners from poor, yet educated countries. They work hard, work long hours, and are usually a lot cheaper to pay than domestically trained workers.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
The mass firings at Central Falls is an opportunity to turn around its sorry underperformance due to its underworking teachers. Clearly hiring people interested only in their salaries is a mistake. I propose that we migrate the students to computer based instruction. Computers can work continuously, don't require a salary or benefits, and provide completely subjective metrics. Intelligent tutoring systems can ensure that every student learns the necessary material to complete their education. When we can remove the meddling, error-prone human teachers from the education process, we can finally progress to a subjective, results-driven education to train our children to become productive workers.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
The arguments for starting children in school later hold no water. Spending more time at school than with family prepares children for the reality of working life. The parents need to spend more time at work than with family, so there's no point in holding the children out of school for family life reasons. Children become better socialized to the corporate social structure and disciplined into a hierarchy better the sooner they start school. Acclimating them to this sort of social structure prepares them for working life sooner. The sooner children start school, the sooner they can start learning skills that make them useful in the workforce.
Having the children in school earlier is also good for the parents. With the children at home instead of school means that the parents can't be at work. This is a serious drain on productivity. The sooner we get children into schools, the sooner we get the parents back to full time productive work.
Monday, January 4, 2010
- People getting married later. When employees aren't distracted by something as silly as a family, they can spend more time getting work done.
- Higher divorce rates. Again, without the distractions of a marital relationship and family, employees can better focus on the important things, like getting more work done.
- Fewer community ties and friendships with neighbors. It's much better that interpersonal interactions be work related. When there are relationships to people outside of the workplace, those are more distractions that take away from on-the-job productivity.
- Smartphones. I love my employees having these. That way I can e-mail and call them whenever I want something done. There's no reason I can't leverage their labor even if they're not in the office.
- The demise of the sit down dinner. Having an employee say they couldn't talk because the family was having dinner annoyed me to no end. Now that we've come to our senses and started ignoring the inanity of listening to what junior did at school, all my employees now have no excuse for not answering my calls at home.
- Fast food and prepackaged industrial foods. These have been a boon for my business. Having my employees waste so much time doing something as time-wasting as eating always annoyed me. With packaged and fast food, they can get their sustenance much more efficiently and get back to work.
- Internet. The internet has made it possible for me to outsource most of my development to overseas workers, who are far cheaper than the overpaid domestic programmers. It's allowed me to lower my costs and solidified my control over my remaining domestic employees; since they now know that they are so easily replaceable by outsourced labor, they don't complain about the extra workload I give them.
Some people may long for the "good old days." I say that today is pretty good.
Friday, January 1, 2010
But just because employees have limited self-control doesn't mean they can't have external will forced upon them. If you learn to micromanage effectively, you can prevent your underlings from partaking in the distractions and keep them focused on working. Where worker self control is lacking, external control can be imposed.