Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Capitalist Prozac

The U.S. surprisingly ranks as one of the world's most depressed countries.  In non-intuitive results, less developed countries fare far better on national depression surveys than the U.S. and other developed countries.  American workers apparently feel pressure to achieve grand, unrealistic dreams that most of them will never be able to achieve.  Few are destined to be mega rich and famous; most people are destined to be cubicle rats.  Only few people have enough drive and perseverance to rise the ranks of power and money.

Fortunately, the solutions to this widespread depression are simple.  According to the article, people in less developed nations tend to be ostracized and even jailed for admitting mental weaknesses like depression.  Naturally, surveyed people in these countries tend to have fewer reported instances of depression.  It's a prime example of market forces at work.  Provide a disincentive for depression, and it will disappear.

Also, according to the article:
"In strikingly undeveloped countries, Kessler says, people don't talk about being fulfilled. They're often just focused on making it through the day."
This just shows what I've been espousing all along.  If you're keeping your workers busy enough, they don't have time to think.  When they're too inundated with work to think, they don't have time to do non-productive things like get depressed.  Idle workers are troublesome workers.

Finally, we need to dispel this misinterpreted notion of equality in this country.  There are bosses and there are employees.  If you're a grunt, accept that fact.  When we can deflate expectations of the underlings, they can't become disappointed with their careers and will be far less likely to become depressed.  Employees who know their place in the corporate hierarchy don't waste time claiming depression.  They just play their role working for the company.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Exercise doesn't control your weight

Everyday the worker grunts leave work around 5 and head straight to the gym to run like rats on treadmills, cycle like fools on bikes, and do their roadrunner impressions on elliptical machines. Why does this pointless ritual get repeated day after day? No matter how much they exercise, they still end up being fat slobs. It turns out that exercise is actually counter-productive for weight loss and weight control. If they want to control their weight, they'd be better served with eating less and stop wasting time going to the gym.

As PHB, I feel it's my duty to do my part to stop this madness. I make all my employees skip lunch and continue working. That way they're not consuming fattening calories and continue burning calories working. Keeping them well past 5 p.m. prevents them from wasting time at the gym. That's energy and time better spent being productive instead of running no where on a treadmill.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Economy down, productivity up

The "down" economy has been good for us pointy haired bosses.  Employees are being let go, which has been great for cutting the dead wood in the company.  As an added bonus, productivity from the remaining workforce has gone up even as their pay and benefits have gone down.  It's a winning combination.  Fewer people on the payroll, lower wages, and increased productivity.  The "bad" economy has been pretty good if you ask me.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Genetically perfecting the new worker

It's still a mystery as to why people need to sleep.  It does not appear to serve much of a function other than to waste nearly a third of life lying in a bed.  Wouldn't it be great if less sleep (or even no sleep!) was necessary?  People could work longer hours and get more stuff done.

Well, it turns out that the amount of sleep a person needs is genetically controlled.  At the moment, only 3% of the population seems to have the gene that allows them to thrive on 5-6 hours of sleep a day.  So far, genetic engineering has been focused on improving food crops and curing certain rare debilitating diseases.  That's all fine and good, but to have a bigger impact, we should start finding a way to genetically engineer our next generation of workers to require less sleep.  With the huge economic benefit of a workforce which sleeps less and works more, we should be devoting a lot more resources engineering a more wakeful workforce.

Until that breakthrough happens though, the PHB can still induce caffeinated productivity in his employees and try screening for the non-sleepers during hiring.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Love of money is a virtue

The cliche of money as the root of all evil is pure fallacy.  It's the spouting of misguided teachings and lefty socialist thought.  To explore this idea, we can turn to the teachings of the late Reverend Ike.  Reverend Ike challenged the orthodoxy by asserting that money and material wealth were signs of virtue rather than tools of temptation.  Having great material wealth is a sign of a blessing from God.  Rather than money being evil, it is "the lack of money [that] is the root of all evil."

As a PHB, you are in a higher paid position of power than your underlings.  There is nothing wrong with you having more money and power.  It is a sign of divine blessing that you out-earn and boss around your employees.  The fact that they are still slaving away under your command is a sign that they are either lazy and not helping themselves or are being punished for their sins.

There is no reason to be ashamed of wealth and power.  And there is nothing wrong in not sharing any of your hard earned cash.  One last parting lesson we can learn from Reverend Ike is that "the best thing you can do for the poor is not be one of them."

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Executive Power

Bosses are not supposed to be nice.  To lead a group of people, you have to be commanding and willing to step on toes; you will probably even have to slam your boots down on those said toes.  Playing nice to your underlings will only result in them walking all over you.  When executives get abusive, things get done.

Being a jerk leader is an effective way to get the most out of your largely lazy and unmotivated underlings.  Steve Jobs, Michael Eisner, and Larry Ellison did not become successful bosses by being nice guys.  They were all infamous for their temper tantrums and general nasty treatment of their underlings.  Their abusive behavior was an asset that helped them rise to the top.

Research shows that mean behavior at work improves people's perception of your competence.  They may not like you, but they'll think you're smarter and better than them.  That's the way you solidify your position of authority and get the grunts working harder.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Salary inflation

One of the things I hate doing is negotiating a salary with new hires.  It's always a struggle against the new greedy employee.  They want to mooch as much money as possible off me and my company while I need to make smart business decisions and minimize overhead.  This is one of the reasons I prefer outsourcing.  Foreign workers are just a lot cheaper than domestics ones, but I can't always understand all these blasted accents.

Fortunately, with the economy in the gutter, it's easier to find people willing to work for less (and often even to work for free as an unpaid intern!).  With the surge in popularity of frugality and thriftiness, people are learning to live with less.  On one blog, someone writes about how they managed to thrive financially on a $20K income.  That's what I like to hear!  People don't actually need as much salary as they think they do.  It's entirely plausible to live on a below average salary because the average worker salary is just far too high.  If we can lower employee wages, businesses can lower their costs and re-invest in corporate growth more effectively.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Puff up your resume

One of the ways to make yourself important enough to become a pointy haired boss is to gain credentials that allow you to rise through the ranks. In a past post, I wrote about tips for making yourself an authority. Those steps get your foot in the door. You will still need to take further steps to give yourself more resumé credibility.

After establishing the perception of being an authority, you need to acquire official titles and awards to put on your resumé. This can be done via internet and mail order organizations which will readily provide certifications and awards to your specifications. However, this approach can raise red flags if you choose a company that's too well known and may have a reputation for being a sham organization. It is better to create your own organization where you have complete control over the organization's public image and can control all aspects of the certifications and awards you bestow upon yourself.

Take the case of Nurse Betty. She was not even a true registered nurse, but used a fictitious nurse association to bestow an award upon herself and give herself credibility as a medical practitioner. She managed to make everyone believe that she was a nurse and established herself as a nursing authority with her ruse. Her only mistake was going too far over the top by throwing an extravagant banquet in her own honor.

I myself ascended through the ranks by forming several "institutes" and companies and putting myself in high ranking positions in those organizations. That gave me instant importance and allowed me to become more important in my area of "expertise." Boosting your resumé with organizations you control is a great PHB tool.

Joseph M. Scandura, incompetent moron, idiot, pompous, stupid, failure, asshole, arrogant, bullshit, micromanager of the year, technologically clueless, ignorant, condescending, senile, dementia