Friday, November 26, 2010

Black Friday

You want to know why the day after Thanksgiving is called Black Friday? In my book, it's because no one is working. Instead they are out frittering away my time. Why the hell is no one in the office today? It's not a holiday!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Funny questions

I hear a lot of funny things come out of my employees' mouths. The sense of entitlement is just fabulously funny. Here are some of my favorites:

  • Can I got to lunch now?
    You can go to lunch when you're goddamn done with your work.
  • When can I get a raise?
    Jesus effin' Christ! You don't even come close to working enough to earn your current salary.
  • Where's the break room?
    Break room?!? You think we have a break room? You already don't work. Why the hell do you need another room to not work in?
  • Can I go home yet?
  • When did you want that done?
    Yesterday, you moron!
  • Can I get some help on ...?
    Why the hell do you think I hired you? You're paid to do my work for me. Do your effin' job, and quit trying to pass the buck.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Hard work and taste

Studies show that working hard makes food taste better. Making your employees work hard to earn their company to earn their lunch break just makes them savor their meal more. This holds true even with the less tasty food choices. What does this mean for the PHB? Well, it means you should force employees to work as much as possible for a company provided meal of bread and water. After all that hard work, they'll be savoring that bread and water like it's a feast for the gods. They'll actually be thankful for the bread and water. It's a win-win situation. You keep your employees working hard, and your lazy fat-ass employees start eating less and losing weight.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Jiggly Memory

One of the best perks of being the boss is that you don't have to know how to do anything. Remembering things or know how things work is the job of the employees. Your job as PHB is to steer the ship of grunt underlings. I've always been terrible about remembering things anyhow. The same pudge that makes me a casanova probably explains why I can't remember a damn thing.

Keeping employees around to remember things for you is par for the course. But what separates the elite PHB from the wannabe is the extra steps. You can't keep fat-ass employees around. They'll be just as forgetful as you. Work your employees long hours through mealtimes to keep them thin. If they're too busy working to eat, they'll never even have an opportunity to be an obese lard ass. It's a double win: you get extra work out of your employees and you keep their memories sharp for your benefit.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Fatty awesomeness

Big is beautiful, at least when it comes to this beer gut of mine. I've never been ashamed of hiding my extra frontal mass. Research now backs me up: Fat men are better lovers. I may not be a sexy beast by any stretch of the imagination, but I am most certainly a sex beast. Exercise and eating well to keep a thin physique are totally overrated. That pencil necked model ain't got nothing on this gut. And there's no way that thin punk is any better at screwing employees as I am.

Friday, November 5, 2010

What doesn't kill you...

You've heard the cliche before: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Those are wise words to live by. It turns out there is scientific evidence for the adage.

The saying is equally applicable as a workplace lesson as well as a life adage. If you make work too nice and easy for your employees, they go all soft and don't become strong, resilient employees. There has to be a constant challenge of workload, work hours, incongruous tasks, and untenable schedules. Life throws hard curveballs, so there's no reason work shouldn't either. I pile on as much work and difficult work as I can on to all my employees (while paying them as little as possible). Posing this challenge makes them stronger and better able to handle future tasks that come their way. I look at it as my benevolent way of training them.

Besides, if they can't hack it, you weed them out. You didn't need the weak-ass pansies anyhow.

Joseph M. Scandura, incompetent moron, idiot, pompous, stupid, failure, asshole, arrogant, bullshit, micromanager of the year, technologically clueless, ignorant, condescending, senile, dementia