Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Negativity and Expertise

What separates a novice from an expert? The same thing that separates positive from negative. Novices require positive feedback, but experts respond to negative feedback. I use this to good effect when managing my worker bees. The soft modern management style of creating a positive work environment just leads to lazy incompetent workers. I make it a point to criticize and create a negative work environment. No one improves if it's just mamby-pamby land at work every day. I think all of my employees are incompetent idiots, and I let them know exactly why. I do this so that they can improve themselves. I don't want a bunch of novices working for me. I need experts!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Don't pursue happiness

The pursuit of happiness is an inherently flawed paradigm. If you spend all your time trying to be happy, you will paradoxically feel something is wrong when you cannot achieve happiness. It's simply setting expectations too high. It's better not to pursue happiness. That's particularly true in the business world. Happy employees tend to gloss over the details, to the detriment of the company. I find it better to keep everyone more on the dour side, so that everyone is more detail-oriented while working. A happy employee is an ineffective employee; an unhappy employee will actually pay attention to the details of getting the job done. The job of the PHB is to stamp out this counterproductive concept of pursuing happiness. To get things done in life, you have to actively pursue unhappiness. Since all my worthless employees can't do that for themselves, I take it upon myself to direct them towards unhappiness.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Scandura Syndrome

As you probably know by now, my approach to bossing is to exert full control over all my employees. Being tough and cracking the whip is the best way to keep a tight running ship. In fact, I prefer to work everyone as hard as humanly possible so that work takes over their entire existence. An uninformed person might think that I have no employees acting like a total asshole, but that person would be gravely misinformed.

We know that abused abductees can come to admire and empathize with their captors. The cases of Stockholm syndrome are well-documented. As an expert in psychology, I reasoned that a similar phenomena could be observed in the boss-employee relationship. A boss who forces his will upon his employees and traps them at work could paradoxically become idolized by his employees. This is what I have observed with my own employees, particularly those employees who are young and impressionable. I impose long hours, skipped meals, conflicting work goals, and nonsensical projects, all while constantly yelling and criticizing them. I eventually break them down until I have them completely wrapped around my finger. I call the effect the Scandura syndrome. Exerting your power and authority over your employees to the fullest makes them beholden to you. It's a secret of pointy haired success that I have discovered in my years of successful bossing.

Joseph M. Scandura, incompetent moron, idiot, pompous, stupid, failure, asshole, arrogant, bullshit, micromanager of the year, technologically clueless, ignorant, condescending, senile, dementia