Work Life Balance

Working Kids

I've always had issue with silly things like labor laws. Anytime the government tries to impose regulations, it just hurts business. Let the free market decide what to do. If labor laws were necessary to protect people, then let the consumer decide whether they care about worker conditions. Case in point: labor laws restricting children from working too many hours. Kids are restricted in the number of hours they can work, which is a completely ridiculous premise if you ask me. You don't instill work ethic by restricting children from working.

I applaud attempts to reverse this stupid labor "protection" law. That's why I applaud efforts like Senator Jane Cunningham's drive to repeal child labor laws. What good are children for if we're not training them for the workforce? They provide a source of cheap labor for business, and they receive training for becoming productive workers. Who can object to that?

Control

It's important to always have control of your worker bees. Managing their every action is key for the success of the company since they are generally not competent enough to function on their own (remember, you're the boss and they are just grunts for a reason... you're the smarter more competent one!). I also like controlling when my employees can take their breaks, including food and bathroom breaks. At first, I thought this was just to make sure they weren't wasting time in breaks instead of working. But it turns out that forcing them to work when they claim to need a bathroom break is doing them good.

According to a recent study, people who can control their bathroom urges make better decisions. If you have enough self control to hold your pee, you have enough brains to delay gratification and make better decisions. I'm helping my employees choose to delay gratification. It's good for them, and it keeps them working longer. All in all, I say controlling your employees' bathroom breaks is a benevolent action.

Death by computer

So a man can sit in front of a computer for three straight days playing games until he dies. No sleep, no food, just him and the computer. Find me someone who will do that working, and you will have found me the perfect employee. Continuous work with no food or sleep. And then they die at the end of, so I don't have to pay them. How awesome is that?

Imagine Eating

Thought for Food: Imagined Consumption Reduces Actual Consumption

Turns out imagining eating a food reduces your desire to eat when it comes time to actually eat the food. This is great news. When I tell my employees to imagine that they've already eaten lunch and keep working, it should work. Lunch breaks are a time killer. Another science win for the PHB!

Undercover Boss

Someone told me about this show. Like I need to watch a show about how a boss goes undercover to see how things actually work in a company. I don't need to go undercover to confirm that the workers in my company are lazy and incompetent. I already know how my company works, since I AM the company. Someone needs to make a reality TV show called "Stupid Employee of the Month." That's a show I can relate to.

PHB Resolutions

2011 should be a good year for me. This year I resolve to:

• Work my employees harder. Last year, they simply did not do enough.
• Get an actual product out the door. This goes hand in hand with the first resolution. I don't know why my employees are holding things up.
• Cut costs and consolidate. I've already started outsourcing. The next step is to "insource." I need to return to academia and find students willing to work for free for their "education." A free intern would also be good.
• Increase work hours. If I make all the workers come with a full thermos of coffee, they should be able to put in more hours. And with an international outsourced team, there's no reason not to keep things cranking round the clock.
• Find a competent employee. I think I may need to do a workforce refresh again.