Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Another reason kids are bad

I'm not a fan of children. I like my employees to get as much work done as possible, and employees with families simply get less things done. But it turns out there are other reasons not to have kids. They suck the life out of you. By discouraging children, you not only improve productivity, but you also improve happiness. A good number of parents suffer from depression after having children.

Believe me when I say that delaying having children (or better yet, not having them at all) is better all around for the company. Employees are less distracted by parental obligations, and they are far less likely to get depressed without children.

Thursday, September 23, 2010


There's a phrase that "there's no 'I' in team." That may be true, but when it comes to being boss, there is certainly a me in team. The team revolves around me since I'm in charge. You know what else is in "team"? There's also meat in team, which is exactly what they employees are. They work at my pleasure, and are there to be chewed up. Consider that the next time you hear mamsy-pamsy team building talk.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Boosting Morale

There's nothing like a little morale booster for improved worker productivity. I find pep talks ineffective. Just force them to be happier and work more.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Tired City

Tired City

I'm normally not a fan of film since it's a time waster. But I found this animation to be heart-warming. The way the boss is constantly phoning the employee, working her through overtime hours, demanding immediate action on numerous tasks, and even stopping her from jumping off a building so she can finish more work. It's a beautiful illustration of how to crush your employees spirit so you can maximize the amount of work you get out of your workers. I know it's an idealized film, but I (and all pointy haired bosses) should aspire to be as slave-driving.

Friday, September 10, 2010


Mistakes are inevitable. To err is human. But to have your employees deal with your mistakes is to be the Man.

When you're boss, mistakes don't matter as much. You've got underlings to clean up the mess for you.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Control via exhaustion

Did you know that self control is an exhaustable resource? According to this article:

"Psychologists have discovered that self-control is an exhaustible resource. And I don’t mean self-control only in the sense of turning down cookies or alcohol, I mean a broader sense of self-supervision—any time you’re paying close attention to your actions..."

This is an argument for the hierarchical boss-employee organization. Self control is a limited resource. Once the employees' self-control is exhausted (which doesn't take long, believe me), the boss needs to exert his control over the underling worker. Sometimes you get an ornery employee who insists on controlling his own actions. That's when you resort to your PHB bag o' tricks. Just wear the troublesome employee down until they are exhausted into submission. Remove their self control via exhaustion, and you then have control.

Friday, September 3, 2010


I used to be just a B-hole, but I've since upgraded my status. I'm now 100% certified A-hole. I take my inspiration from the inimitable Dennis Leary.

Joseph M. Scandura, incompetent moron, idiot, pompous, stupid, failure, asshole, arrogant, bullshit, micromanager of the year, technologically clueless, ignorant, condescending, senile, dementia