Thursday, December 30, 2010

Sign posted

That last part about recreational activity is the key. It's about keeping people working, not goofing off.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Days of Christmas

On the 12th day of Christmas, I gave to my employees:

12 new assigments
11 dinner phone calls
10 urgent e-mails
9 unpaid overtimes
8 broken programs
7 pointless code jobs
6 throbbing migraines
5 more meetings
4 skype voices calls
3 new web tasks
2 crashing servers
and a major pain in the ass!

Have a Happy Holiday. I'll be calling after Christmas dinner since I need something fixed immediately.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Do as I say

Because in the famous words of Gore Vidal: "There is no human problem which could not be solved f people would simply do as I advise." Truer words have never been spoken. Life would be so much better if people would just follow my orders.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Selfish Success

"To be successful you have to be selfish, or else you never achieve." -- Michael Jordan

Who am I to argue with the greatest basketball player of all time? I look out for numero uno first, and it's helped me succeed. The boss succeeds from taking, not giving.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Shocking news

After wading through the obscure scientific jargon, I managed to find this little gem of research. Electric brain stimulation improves people's math skills. I always thought there was something to electric shock therapy. One of my favorite ways of training specific behaviors is high voltage. Now it turns out that the very same electric training also improves brain function. Wonderful! Just tell me where to place the electrodes to make my workers more productive and competent.

Sunday, December 5, 2010


Diamonds are formed under high pressure over long periods of time. If you want to turn your employees from lazy slackers (lumps of coal) into hard-working diamonds, you've got to apply sustained pressure. Constant pressuring with deadlines, heavy workloads, multiple daily progress reports, meetings questioning everything they're doing, etc. is what is needed. Hard work never killed anyone, except in Japan, but even that is debatable. The life of the PHB is tough; applying the pressure to mold your employees takes some effort.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Gene therapy for retards

If there is one thing I can't stand more that a lazy, non-productive employee, it would be a lazy, non-productive, liberal employee. My tolerance for incompetence is already pretty low, but combine it with liberal stupidity, and my blood pressure goes through the roof. People are already hardly working and soaking up a paycheck. Adding liberalism to the mix is bringing us one lose to a communistic dystopia where people don't do any work and soak up a paycheck.

Fortunately, scientists are good for something other than wasting money on crazy projects. They have discovered a liberal gene. We just need to develop the gene therapy and make treatments mandatory. Wouldn't it be fabulous to have a shot cure us of our left-wing woes?

Joseph M. Scandura, incompetent moron, idiot, pompous, stupid, failure, asshole, arrogant, bullshit, micromanager of the year, technologically clueless, ignorant, condescending, senile, dementia