Thursday, September 29, 2011

Unappreciated Benefits

Wired has a story up about the unappreciated benefits of dyslexia. Being dyselxic myself, I feel vindicated. Dyslexia is not a disadvantage. Dyslexics can see the big picture better. That's why I never bothered with the details. I'm the boss. It's my job to see the big picture and let the underlings take care of the details. But this recent news got me thinking about other "handicaps" that really aren't a disadvantage.

Deafness - I can barely hear anything without my hearing aid cranked up to high. But this works to my advantage. I don't have to hear my lazy ass employees whine when I tell them to get to work. I also can blame my hearing and say I misheard them when I have no clue what the hell they are talking about with our products. I can't be bothered with those details, so I just pretend I can't hear them.

Ignorance - They say ignorance is bliss. How true that is. Time and time again, I remained blissfully ignorant of how any of the company's products work. That allows me to focus on my job of managing the workers and leaving the piddily details up to the paid grunts.

Being a crotchety old fart - I don't know why people look at this as such a negative. Studies show that a negative attitude actually helps you pay attention to details more. That's why I maintain a negative attitude towards all my employees. It allows me to better micromanage them when I can be more detail oriented with controlling them.

See, there are two sides to every coin. I've turned my negatives into advantages. That's why I'm the boss of a highly successful company.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Friday, September 16, 2011

FU F-book

What terrible news. An activist judge ruled that employees can't be fired for talking about a boss on Facebook. It's my policy that my employees should never talk to each other unless I am present. Once they can start talking to each other, especially about work, is a first step to having a union. My employees are already ineffective enough as it is with me constantly watching them. Once they can collude with each other behind my back, they will become even lazier and unproductive.

I should have a new company policy in place: just using Facebook should be grounds for being fired. If you have time to be using Facebook, you just aren't working enough.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Pro-Business = Prosperity

Alberta is Canada's wealthiest province. It also has the lowest minimum wage and fewest child labor restrictions. Do you see the connection? Low paid labor is crucial for prosperity. Overpaying workers is financially irresponsible. The less you can pay your workforce, the more prosperous business will be and ultimately the more prosperous society in general will be. Businesses can generate more wealth if they are not encumbered by employee salaries.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure."-- Mark Twain

That quote succinctly sums up my management strategy. I don't have to know anything about my product to successfully run my company. In fact, I know basically nothing about it. But what I do know is that I know how to run a company and how to make people get work done. My company has been enormously successful over the years precisely because I'm so ignorant. I pay other people to be competent. That allows me to focus on the important part o the company: being the confident figure head leader.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

"Labor" Day

Why is there a holiday called "Labor Day"?  Isn't it just a little assinine to call it a day of work when you give people a day off.  I'd understand it better if it were a day where women could deliver their babies, or people got to repair roads for a day with the chain gang.  But firing up the grill and relaxing is the exact opposite of what I consider "labor."  It's a royal waste of time.  There's only one holiday that's worth anything: Boss's Day.  Give thanks that you even have a job, and do some actual work this Labor Day.

Joseph M. Scandura, incompetent moron, idiot, pompous, stupid, failure, asshole, arrogant, bullshit, micromanager of the year, technologically clueless, ignorant, condescending, senile, dementia