Imagine Eating

Thought for Food: Imagined Consumption Reduces Actual Consumption

Turns out imagining eating a food reduces your desire to eat when it comes time to actually eat the food. This is great news. When I tell my employees to imagine that they've already eaten lunch and keep working, it should work. Lunch breaks are a time killer. Another science win for the PHB!

Undercover Boss

Someone told me about this show. Like I need to watch a show about how a boss goes undercover to see how things actually work in a company. I don't need to go undercover to confirm that the workers in my company are lazy and incompetent. I already know how my company works, since I AM the company. Someone needs to make a reality TV show called "Stupid Employee of the Month." That's a show I can relate to.

PHB Resolutions

2011 should be a good year for me. This year I resolve to:

• Work my employees harder. Last year, they simply did not do enough.
• Get an actual product out the door. This goes hand in hand with the first resolution. I don't know why my employees are holding things up.
• Cut costs and consolidate. I've already started outsourcing. The next step is to "insource." I need to return to academia and find students willing to work for free for their "education." A free intern would also be good.
• Increase work hours. If I make all the workers come with a full thermos of coffee, they should be able to put in more hours. And with an international outsourced team, there's no reason not to keep things cranking round the clock.
• Find a competent employee. I think I may need to do a workforce refresh again.
  

Sign posted

That last part about recreational activity is the key. It's about keeping people working, not goofing off.

Days of Christmas

On the 12th day of Christmas, I gave to my employees:

12 new assigments
11 dinner phone calls
10 urgent e-mails
9 unpaid overtimes
8 broken programs
7 pointless code jobs
6 throbbing migraines
5 more meetings
4 skype voices calls
3 new web tasks
2 crashing servers
and a major pain in the ass!

Have a Happy Holiday. I'll be calling after Christmas dinner since I need something fixed immediately.

Do as I say

Because in the famous words of Gore Vidal: "There is no human problem which could not be solved f people would simply do as I advise." Truer words have never been spoken. Life would be so much better if people would just follow my orders.

Selfish Success

"To be successful you have to be selfish, or else you never achieve." -- Michael Jordan

Who am I to argue with the greatest basketball player of all time? I look out for numero uno first, and it's helped me succeed. The boss succeeds from taking, not giving.