Thursday, October 29, 2009

Boo! It's your scary PHB.

According to an informal survey, nearly 20% of workers think their workplace is scary.  Of those who are petrified of their workplace, 18% were pansies who were scared of the workload.  Only 8% were afraid of the hours worked and 7% were afraid of their bosses.  That just tells me that workers in general are simply not being worked hard enough or long enough if there is so little fear of the work hours and the bosses.  A good PHB should strive to increase the work hours and intimidate employees to get those percentages up.

Only 6% of the surveyed work fearers were frightened of having to sit through meetings.  That can only mean that they aren't being called into enough meetings.  I make it a point to call frequent meetings and enforce company wide mandatory attendance.  It's the only way I can give instructions to everybody at the same time and keep tabs on everyone.  I also don't know why any worker would fear "sitting" through a meeting.  As the boss, I should be the only one seated at the meeting.  Everyone else should be standing.

The survey also showed that people likened their bosses to various Halloween characters.  I myself imagine that I would be compared to Dracula and The Mummy.  Since my lazy employees think I demand too much from them for working 14 hour days and giving up life outside the company, they think I'm sucking the life out of them.  That's an unfair assessment.  I'm a dark lord, but I don't actually suck my employees dry.  I do leave my minions with something in the tank.  I do need them to continue working the next day.

The Mummy is slow moving and using ancient thought processes.  So what if I'm a dinosaur?  I haven't survived this long without good strategies.  I've found what works for me.  I don't have to listen to crazy newfangled ideas from my employees.  I'm the boss because I know what works.

As the pointy haired boss, I think it's only fair that I can also liken my employees to Halloween characters/monsters:

  • Ghosts - My workers have the amazing habit of having no substance and disappearing constantly.
  • Zombies - I often feel my hordes of workers are just mindless creatures aimlessly wandering the halls and feeding on whatever they find.
  • Quasimodo - All my employees look like hunchbacks as they sit at their desks typing at their computers.
  • The Headless Horseman - I often feel like my employees have no idea what I'm talking about, like they don't have heads.
I'm sure I could think of a few more, but I do need to get back to my boss duties...and also back to elevating my employees' perception me from merely Dracula to El Diablo.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Joseph M. Scandura, incompetent moron, idiot, pompous, stupid, failure, asshole, arrogant, bullshit, micromanager of the year, technologically clueless, ignorant, condescending, senile, dementia