Thursday, June 16, 2011

Happy Führer Day!

One of my favorite holidays is happening soon: Führer Day. It's a day where I can be appreciated for the type of leadership I provide. Everyone at work salutes me properly with a proud chest and raised arm instead of just sitting hunched over. I don't know why I can't get people to salute me everyday. C'mon people, show some love for your fearless leader!

While I do appreciate being showered with gifts on this holiday, I do have a few suggestions to make it better. First of all, let me offer a few suggestions on gifts. You all can stop buying me tools this year. I appreciate the thought, but the gift is of limited use to me. Despite being known as "The Tool," I don't actually know how to use anything. Being handy in my book is keeping an underling nearby to do everything for me.

Also, the books are nice, but I have already received several copies of "Management for Dummies" and "The Idiot's Guide to Running a Company." Personally, I think the gifts are selfish ones. They are of no use to me. In the interest of educating my employees, I have put them for employee reading so everyone can understand how hard it is to do my job. So far, the books are just gathering dust, which only confirms my suspicions that all of my employees are illiterate or uninterested in furthering their own education.

I know I have been dropping hints that I could use a few more pink slips since I have been running low on them lately. You can really never have too many pink slips around since they come in so handy. However, I did not foresee that I would receive so many pink undergarments. It was not what I expected, but I have to say they are surprisingly comfortable and I have been wearing them more regularly.

Now, a gift I would certainly appreciate is a new shaver. I don't plan on paying you anytime soon, so I understand if you can't go out and buy me a new one. I'm ok with you just cleaning up your shaver and giving it to me. I need to keep my moustache properly trimmed so I can look sharp for our first customer.

With such dashing good looks, I'm sure to win us our first paying customer. In fact, just looking at my handsome image puts me in a good mood. I'm feeling generous today. You can have a half day off this Sunday. Check in around 9 a.m., and you can go home and have an hour or two of leisure around 9 p.m. Haha, I'm just kidding. You know there's no time off. I'm such a gas!

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Joseph M. Scandura, incompetent moron, idiot, pompous, stupid, failure, asshole, arrogant, bullshit, micromanager of the year, technologically clueless, ignorant, condescending, senile, dementia