Shocking news

After wading through the obscure scientific jargon, I managed to find this little gem of research. Electric brain stimulation improves people's math skills. I always thought there was something to electric shock therapy. One of my favorite ways of training specific behaviors is high voltage. Now it turns out that the very same electric training also improves brain function. Wonderful! Just tell me where to place the electrodes to make my workers more productive and competent.

Diamonds

Diamonds are formed under high pressure over long periods of time. If you want to turn your employees from lazy slackers (lumps of coal) into hard-working diamonds, you've got to apply sustained pressure. Constant pressuring with deadlines, heavy workloads, multiple daily progress reports, meetings questioning everything they're doing, etc. is what is needed. Hard work never killed anyone, except in Japan, but even that is debatable. The life of the PHB is tough; applying the pressure to mold your employees takes some effort.

Gene therapy for retards

If there is one thing I can't stand more that a lazy, non-productive employee, it would be a lazy, non-productive, liberal employee. My tolerance for incompetence is already pretty low, but combine it with liberal stupidity, and my blood pressure goes through the roof. People are already hardly working and soaking up a paycheck. Adding liberalism to the mix is bringing us one lose to a communistic dystopia where people don't do any work and soak up a paycheck.

Fortunately, scientists are good for something other than wasting money on crazy projects. They have discovered a liberal gene. We just need to develop the gene therapy and make treatments mandatory. Wouldn't it be fabulous to have a shot cure us of our left-wing woes?

Black Friday

You want to know why the day after Thanksgiving is called Black Friday? In my book, it's because no one is working. Instead they are out frittering away my time. Why the hell is no one in the office today? It's not a holiday!

Funny questions

I hear a lot of funny things come out of my employees' mouths. The sense of entitlement is just fabulously funny. Here are some of my favorites:

• Can I got to lunch now?
  You can go to lunch when you're goddamn done with your work.
• When can I get a raise?
  Jesus effin' Christ! You don't even come close to working enough to earn your current salary.
• Where's the break room?
  Break room?!? You think we have a break room? You already don't work. Why the hell do you need another room to not work in?
• Can I go home yet?
  No!
• When did you want that done?
  Yesterday, you moron!
• Can I get some help on ...?
  Why the hell do you think I hired you? You're paid to do my work for me. Do your effin' job, and quit trying to pass the buck.

Hard work and taste

Studies show that working hard makes food taste better. Making your employees work hard to earn their company to earn their lunch break just makes them savor their meal more. This holds true even with the less tasty food choices. What does this mean for the PHB? Well, it means you should force employees to work as much as possible for a company provided meal of bread and water. After all that hard work, they'll be savoring that bread and water like it's a feast for the gods. They'll actually be thankful for the bread and water. It's a win-win situation. You keep your employees working hard, and your lazy fat-ass employees start eating less and losing weight.

Jiggly Memory

One of the best perks of being the boss is that you don't have to know how to do anything. Remembering things or know how things work is the job of the employees. Your job as PHB is to steer the ship of grunt underlings. I've always been terrible about remembering things anyhow. The same pudge that makes me a casanova probably explains why I can't remember a damn thing.

Keeping employees around to remember things for you is par for the course. But what separates the elite PHB from the wannabe is the extra steps. You can't keep fat-ass employees around. They'll be just as forgetful as you. Work your employees long hours through mealtimes to keep them thin. If they're too busy working to eat, they'll never even have an opportunity to be an obese lard ass. It's a double win: you get extra work out of your employees and you keep their memories sharp for your benefit.