Saturday, November 5, 2011

Scandura Syndrome

As you probably know by now, my approach to bossing is to exert full control over all my employees. Being tough and cracking the whip is the best way to keep a tight running ship. In fact, I prefer to work everyone as hard as humanly possible so that work takes over their entire existence. An uninformed person might think that I have no employees acting like a total asshole, but that person would be gravely misinformed.

We know that abused abductees can come to admire and empathize with their captors. The cases of Stockholm syndrome are well-documented. As an expert in psychology, I reasoned that a similar phenomena could be observed in the boss-employee relationship. A boss who forces his will upon his employees and traps them at work could paradoxically become idolized by his employees. This is what I have observed with my own employees, particularly those employees who are young and impressionable. I impose long hours, skipped meals, conflicting work goals, and nonsensical projects, all while constantly yelling and criticizing them. I eventually break them down until I have them completely wrapped around my finger. I call the effect the Scandura syndrome. Exerting your power and authority over your employees to the fullest makes them beholden to you. It's a secret of pointy haired success that I have discovered in my years of successful bossing.

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Joseph M. Scandura, incompetent moron, idiot, pompous, stupid, failure, asshole, arrogant, bullshit, micromanager of the year, technologically clueless, ignorant, condescending, senile, dementia