Monday, July 4, 2011

PHB Resources

As any good PHB knows, it's a tough job to keep a company running. You've got limited resources and a seemingly bottomless money suck known as employees. You have to conserve resources however you can. Here are my top resources for saving the company a little cash:

Free Labor - Too few companies take advantage of the free labor you can get out of interns, especially in the current down economy where there is a glut of people desperate for a foot in the door at a company. Unpaid interns are a great resource. Get a student intern and you're even better off since the parents might very well be paying for all of junior's expenses. Of course, there are also other ways of getting free work out of people, as I've discussed in the past in my Free Labor posts (pt 1, pt 2, pt 3, pt 4, pt 5).

Free Healthcare - Healthcare benefits are a huge drain on my money and the company. I refuse to pay for someone else's doctor bills. Their health is their responsibility, not mine. But since I have to pay huge taxes to the government anyhow, I may as well use their overpriced services. When an employee has a health problem, I suggest he uses the emergency room. They are obligated to see you at the ER and provide health care regardless of your ability to pay. Since I don't pay my employees that much, they can't afford the ER bill anyhow, so they essentially get free healthcare. Another viable option is to tell them to just get arrested. You can get great (and free) healthcare while incarcertated.

Cheap Food - I find it more that just a little irritating that people have to stop working for silly things like eating. Fortunately, there are ways to mitigate the resource and time suck of food. There are these wonderful things called food stamps and soup kitchens. Since any good PHB should be seeking to pay the least amount of money possible to his employees, one of the first things that can be one is to drop your employees salaries enough that they qualify for government assistance. Let "The Man" pay for that expense rather than having it come out of your pocket. Other viable options if your employees feel like they want to go a little more upscale is to suggest freeganism. Again, you get to shift the costs to someone else.

Lower Equipment Costs - The beauty of drawing on a workforce of independent contractors is that you have lower overhead costs. Not only do you not have to pay any benefits, but you don't actually have to buy any equipment either. Independent contractors use their own resources to accomplish their work. If you outsource to a cheaper country (or insource domestically to a desperate enough worker), you can get cheap labor with no equipment costs. It's a win-win situation for your labor and overhead costs.

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Joseph M. Scandura, incompetent moron, idiot, pompous, stupid, failure, asshole, arrogant, bullshit, micromanager of the year, technologically clueless, ignorant, condescending, senile, dementia