Saturday, May 16, 2009

6 Keys for Pointy Haired Success

People think that being a pointy haired boss is easy. Sure, you may not do any actual work and get to boss around the minions doing your bidding. Those are great perks, I won't deny that. What the typical pointy haired aspirant doesn't initially realize is that it takes some hard work to achieve true pointy haired greatness. Here are a few tips for maximizing your pointy hairedness to take you to the next level.

  1. Make your employees do their work.
    Or, more accurately, they should be doing your work. You want the maximal amount of work done for minimal amount of real work on your part. The sooner you can offload your work onto others, the faster you'll ascend the ladder of pointy hairedness.
  2. Keep your employees working. Always.
    The employees under your control should always be doing their work. Employees are all inherently lazy and unmotivated. You'll have to crack the whip by perpetually checking in on progress, making up deadlines so that people work through lunch or over the weekend, etc. Keeping everyone busy to the point of being frazzled makes you look good to the higher up pointy haired ones. If you're already the head honcho, how much work you can wring from your workers is a measure of your greatness.
  3. Realize that you don't need to be competent.
    Who cares if you can't do the job. That's why employees are hired. They are supposed to be doing work for you. You don't need to bother with knowing anything or having any useful skills if you can hire someone else. The only skill you need as the big cheese is being able to control people.
  4. Boss people around.
    Perhaps the most important skill to being a PHB is learning to give orders. What's the point of captaining a ship if you can't even control your crew? If you want other people to do your work for you, you will have to tell them to do your work. When your crew invariably slacks off, you'll have to get them back into line by ordering them back to work. Even if there's no good reason for them to be frantically working, keep them constantly occupied (see point #2) to practice your bossiness and solidify your control of your minions.
  5. Micromanage.
    Following from the previous point, learning to micromanage is crucial. Why this term has such a negative connotation is a mystery to me. Micromanaging is a decidedly good thing! By constantly telling all of your employees what to do, you keep them on their toes. It's an essential skill to acquire for learning to boss people around and control them. You do not necessarily have to be helping (though realize that you probably are because employees are lazy and won't work unless you're hovering over them). Just get your minions used to taking orders all the time to ensure your complete control.
  6. You don't have to be nice.
    Your employees don't have to like you. In fact, it's probably better if they don't. There are two models for running a tight ship. The first is two get your employees to like you and instill an inner motivation. I personally don't like this approach because your employees might start thinking too highly of themselves and leave for greener pastures. The preferred method is to learn to mistreat your employees. Be unreasonable, demand too much, yell and scream, threaten to cut their pay or fire them, and underhandedly criticize them. You can keep your workers cranking in high gear when they live under fear of your wrathful outbursts. At the same time, you can solidify your control by lowering their self-esteem and self-confidence.
Now that you know the six keys to being a successful PHB, go forth and get your boss on!

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Joseph M. Scandura, incompetent moron, idiot, pompous, stupid, failure, asshole, arrogant, bullshit, micromanager of the year, technologically clueless, ignorant, condescending, senile, dementia