"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure."-- Mark Twain

That quote succinctly sums up my management strategy. I don't have to know anything about my product to successfully run my company. In fact, I know basically nothing about it. But what I do know is that I know how to run a company and how to make people get work done. My company has been enormously successful over the years precisely because I'm so ignorant. I pay other people to be competent. That allows me to focus on the important part o the company: being the confident figure head leader.

"Labor" Day

Why is there a holiday called "Labor Day"?  Isn't it just a little assinine to call it a day of work when you give people a day off.  I'd understand it better if it were a day where women could deliver their babies, or people got to repair roads for a day with the chain gang.  But firing up the grill and relaxing is the exact opposite of what I consider "labor."  It's a royal waste of time.  There's only one holiday that's worth anything: Boss's Day.  Give thanks that you even have a job, and do some actual work this Labor Day.

Discontent

"Discontent is the first necessity of progress. Show me a thoroughly satisfied man and I'll show you a failure." --Thomas Edison

Research shows that workers who are in a bad mood pay more attention to the details and are more productive. That's a guiding principle in my management principles. Happy employees aren't actually doing their work. Thomas Edison realized this principle. A content man isn't doing anything; he's a complete failure. An employee who is discontent is far more likely to be one who is actually doing work. Manage you company to keep the workers unhappy, and you will have a more productive workforce.

An argument for lower wages

The Great Recession is drawing to a close as we see corporate profits go up. What's driving the uptick in financial results? Well, for starters, companies are getting more productivity out of their current employees and paying them less. I have always contended that paying workers more was a huge drag on a company. We see that bearing out in the current economy. With wages correcting back to their correct lower levels, we see companies performing better financially. This is why I like hiring as few employees as possible (preferably just one) and getting as much work out of my employees for as little pay as possible. It's a fun efficiency maximization problem that I enjoy doing for the health of my company.

PHB Resources

As any good PHB knows, it's a tough job to keep a company running. You've got limited resources and a seemingly bottomless money suck known as employees. You have to conserve resources however you can. Here are my top resources for saving the company a little cash:

Free Labor - Too few companies take advantage of the free labor you can get out of interns, especially in the current down economy where there is a glut of people desperate for a foot in the door at a company. Unpaid interns are a great resource. Get a student intern and you're even better off since the parents might very well be paying for all of junior's expenses. Of course, there are also other ways of getting free work out of people, as I've discussed in the past in my Free Labor posts (pt 1, pt 2, pt 3, pt 4, pt 5).

Free Healthcare - Healthcare benefits are a huge drain on my money and the company. I refuse to pay for someone else's doctor bills. Their health is their responsibility, not mine. But since I have to pay huge taxes to the government anyhow, I may as well use their overpriced services. When an employee has a health problem, I suggest he uses the emergency room. They are obligated to see you at the ER and provide health care regardless of your ability to pay. Since I don't pay my employees that much, they can't afford the ER bill anyhow, so they essentially get free healthcare. Another viable option is to tell them to just get arrested. You can get great (and free) healthcare while incarcertated.

Cheap Food - I find it more that just a little irritating that people have to stop working for silly things like eating. Fortunately, there are ways to mitigate the resource and time suck of food. There are these wonderful things called food stamps and soup kitchens. Since any good PHB should be seeking to pay the least amount of money possible to his employees, one of the first things that can be one is to drop your employees salaries enough that they qualify for government assistance. Let "The Man" pay for that expense rather than having it come out of your pocket. Other viable options if your employees feel like they want to go a little more upscale is to suggest freeganism. Again, you get to shift the costs to someone else.

Lower Equipment Costs - The beauty of drawing on a workforce of independent contractors is that you have lower overhead costs. Not only do you not have to pay any benefits, but you don't actually have to buy any equipment either. Independent contractors use their own resources to accomplish their work. If you outsource to a cheaper country (or insource domestically to a desperate enough worker), you can get cheap labor with no equipment costs. It's a win-win situation for your labor and overhead costs.

T-E-A-M

"There's no 'I' in team." That's an important phrase that companies try to get across to their employees. Unfortunately, they usually go about it the wrong way. While there is no "I" in team, there is most certainly an "m" and an "e," which would be me, the head honcho. The team is there for my benefit.

You know what else is in "team"? "Meat" is also in team. It's what you get when team is spelled backwards. When the team isn't working for me, you're basically as good as dead meat. You're all fired when you're not part of the team working for me. Remember that next time you hear that team-building phrase.

Happy Führer Day!

One of my favorite holidays is happening soon: Führer Day. It's a day where I can be appreciated for the type of leadership I provide. Everyone at work salutes me properly with a proud chest and raised arm instead of just sitting hunched over. I don't know why I can't get people to salute me everyday. C'mon people, show some love for your fearless leader!

While I do appreciate being showered with gifts on this holiday, I do have a few suggestions to make it better. First of all, let me offer a few suggestions on gifts. You all can stop buying me tools this year. I appreciate the thought, but the gift is of limited use to me. Despite being known as "The Tool," I don't actually know how to use anything. Being handy in my book is keeping an underling nearby to do everything for me.

Also, the books are nice, but I have already received several copies of "Management for Dummies" and "The Idiot's Guide to Running a Company." Personally, I think the gifts are selfish ones. They are of no use to me. In the interest of educating my employees, I have put them for employee reading so everyone can understand how hard it is to do my job. So far, the books are just gathering dust, which only confirms my suspicions that all of my employees are illiterate or uninterested in furthering their own education.

I know I have been dropping hints that I could use a few more pink slips since I have been running low on them lately. You can really never have too many pink slips around since they come in so handy. However, I did not foresee that I would receive so many pink undergarments. It was not what I expected, but I have to say they are surprisingly comfortable and I have been wearing them more regularly.

Now, a gift I would certainly appreciate is a new shaver. I don't plan on paying you anytime soon, so I understand if you can't go out and buy me a new one. I'm ok with you just cleaning up your shaver and giving it to me. I need to keep my moustache properly trimmed so I can look sharp for our first customer.

With such dashing good looks, I'm sure to win us our first paying customer. In fact, just looking at my handsome image puts me in a good mood. I'm feeling generous today. You can have a half day off this Sunday. Check in around 9 a.m., and you can go home and have an hour or two of leisure around 9 p.m. Haha, I'm just kidding. You know there's no time off. I'm such a gas!